The Online Dating Diaries (Part I)

Back in college I thought it would be a joy to try eHarmony's free personality profile. Considering how my wit and personality wows millions, I thought I'd give it a whirl. So here's my beef. Not only did I have to assess every aspect of my dazzling person, it took the greater part of an hour to complete. Pardon me, but at 20 years old I have better things to do than this. However, I proceed. Once I clicked my "Finish" button I was eager to meet my future husband, profile to profile. I mean, if everyone on the commercials was hooking up, shouldn't I get some love...or even a tiny nudge of interest?

"We're sorry, Mary, but the success rate of matches is 4 out of 5 people get matched. You were, unfortunately, the 1 in 5 who wasn't." Hrmph. LOUD NOISES. I wasted my time to get rejected by an Internet site?!?!?!?! Okay, MAYBE I shouldn't have limited myself to just the Columbus, OH network. After growing up there and lacking luck in love I should've known better. I should've possibly made my network Planet Earth. Hm. Hindsight truly is 20/20.

Excuse me while I eat my feelings after reliving that memory...

...yum.

[BELCH].

Three years later, after moving here I thought to myself, "Self? Buck up. Get out there. Meet some worthy men. Online." Good idea, Self.

New plan: don't do eHarmony. You'll just eat a lot. You're due for an upgrade. Let's try Match.com! Oh but I didn't stop there. Oh no. I read my diocese's newspaper for the first time ever and someone wrote an article in the wedding section (yeah, yeah. I read it for the wedding stories. So shoot me.) about how they met on catholicmatch.com. Pardon? Come again? A CATHOLIC dating site? Okay. I heard about J Date or whatever it's called for those of the Jewish faith, but this was a surprise. I knew my future husband was just a click away.

Naturally I made just the sweetest little profile you've ever laid your eyes on. I mean, c'mon. Who WOULDN'T ask me out for coffee after reading about my likes/dislikes and preferences in my match's eye and hair color? Exactly. And of course I only put up the cutest pictures of me doing my best sorority smiles at the most glamorous and fun events. Pure gold, right?

Sure, just ask the 35+ year-old foreigners who have checked me out in the digital sense. Jackpot.

Well, there goes my husband. And my dream of one day being on a match.com commercial. Because then and only then will I know that I've lived a full life.