Thursday, July 30, 2009

I Tried. And Disqualified.

And by "Tried" I mean I competed in a triathlon. Don't be impressed. I finished, but had an insanely slow time...and I only did the Sprint race. I probably would've been faster had I trained harder even though I worked out typically six days a week...but unfortunately I love beer and my social life so I guess the tri took the fall. Oh well. I was happy during my run and ecstatic when I finished the race. Gotta love those endorphins. But then I saw pictures. Me + spandex ≠ attractive. So then I got to thinking about all of the funny things that I experienced while racing...

1) I wasn't the only one in lycra. Everyone wore spandex in some shape or fashion. It was so awful you couldn't help but laugh. There was absolutely nothing flattering about our garb or general appearance.

2) So the race had different waves based on age and we started at staggered times...but they also had a wave for hefty people in the Sprint race...called Clydesdales. Yes. I was in Wave 7, Age 20-24. Some unfortunate souls were in Wave 5, Clydesdales. Your age doesn't matter when you're pushing 400 pounds. Mad props to them for doing it, though. I guarantee they would kick my butt had we gone at the same time.

3) I couldn't swim strait. It was like I was drawn to the bouys on the sides of the regulation swim area. I probably would've finished the swim five minutes faster, but I kind of looked like I was drunk, got pulled over for swimming drunk, and failed a sobriety test because I was swerving left and right endangering nearby swimmers.

4) We kept our bikes and gear in a designated transition area, so after my swim I jogged to go get to my bike...however, the path for the bike portion of the race was about the size of a football field away from the transition area and we could not ride our bikes to the entrance. We had to run them. It was annoying. What kept me going? There were signs saying "Mount Area" with an arrow pointing up...and then when we got to this area, there was a sign posted that said "Mount Here." I couldn't help but chuckle. Those race officials (who I lovingly referred to as Tri Nazis) at least have a sense of humor. Or I'm just immature.

5) When the ride was over a man kept yelling as we drew nearer to the "Mount Area" that we needed to "Get Down! Dismount!" Again, I chuckled.

6) During my ride, my race number was about to fall off of my race belt. Instead of stopping to fix it since I didn't technically need it on my bike, I tucked it into the side of my belt and decided to adjust it during my run. Apparently I fixed it too late and was penalized 2 minutes on my run. Piss off, Tri Nazis.

7) Since I am a member of the DC Tri Club, I had the same uniform as 200+ other individuals, which was super cool. During the run as we passed each other (the course wasn't a circle, so you got to see who was in front and behind you) we'd give each other fives, act all macho, and say stuff like, "Yeah DC Tri! Let's DO this!" I think this is funny because at other social events with the club we're not that social and we don't act like friends. Come race time, we're nearly kin that's how much it appeared that we loved each other.

8) Every time I saw a photographer I sucked in and tried to run faster, while I looked very determined and badass. The picture of myself in my mind as this happened was quite awesome, but, uh, that didn't translate to film. Yikes.

9) I wasn't around anyone when I finished the race so in the picture it looks like I finished dead last.

10) After the race I bought a beer. I felt amazing and proud and honest to goodness happy.

11) The next day I found out I was disqualified and got a 2 minute penalty on my run.

12) Everyone from the Club (read: FREAKS WHO DO 8 TRIATHLONS A YEAR) asked me after the race when my next race is and then when I said I didn't have any scheduled they asked if I'll compete in a tri again...and an Olympic this time, since Sprint races are for Clydesdales.

So there you have my tri-tastic experience. It wasn't fun, I really sucked, I ended up getting disqualified by the Tri Nazis (I didn't have a plug/cap on one of my handle bars...hey Tri Nazis, I'll give YOU a plug...jerks.), and I had to use nasty Port-O-Potties.

But hey. I finished.

(Disclaimer: thanks for all of the support - I just found the whole thing funny. Despite what I just wrote, I am proud of myself.)

Friday, July 17, 2009

I'm Gonna Go Out On a Limb and Overshare.

So I workout, yes? We all know this. I mean, I could say it's because I'm fit, love to sweat, feel fantastic afterward, and all of that stuff really skinny people say...but hearing that makes me want to slap puppies...really I workout in the mornings so I don't sweat on my way into work and my hair looks good after I shower and primp. But that's not an overshare, just background...

My morning workout started out pretty lovely. The only other lady in the locker room was almost finished getting ready as I came in so I thought "Score! I love being alone in the locker room to get ready for work! Yippee!" So I took a shower, felt happy and clean, grabbed a towel, dried off in my stall...AND THEN MY CURTAIN OPENED.

That's right. A cleaning lady got a free show and it was only 8:30 a.m.

Now, the thoughts going through your head might be some of the following:

"Why did she open your curtain?"

"Didn't she hear you in there?"

"What did you do?"
"That's so embarrassing!"

"HAHAHAHA! Sucks to be you!"

All good thoughts and questions. Except for that last one. Anyway.

Cleaning ladies come in and out of the locker room in the mornings because there is a linen closet in the back. Sometimes the bags of towels are heavy, so the CLs (I shortened "cleaning ladies") ask some big dude to come in and carry them out. Usually the CLs say something like, "Hey! Anyone in here? Everyone decent?" Thankfully she wasn't accompanied by a dude. But still. There were no words. No no. Just some chick took it upon herself to completely ignore my bag of clothes and toiletries on the bench by the lockers and the delightful smell of soap wafting from shower #2. Instead she thought to herself, "Hmmmm MAYBE I SHOULD BE A GENIUS AND OPEN A CLOSED CURTAIN TO MAKE SURE NO ONE IS IN HERE. GREAT IDEA!" Oh wait, there IS SOMEONE STANDING NAKED IN THE SHOWER STALL SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know who this woman was, because in the split second the curtain was opened and then quickly shut all I could do was scream and look the other way so she couldn't identify me later. But hey, it was all I could do. Also, I didn't want to know who it was...but now I'm going to suspect every woman in the elevator with similar features has seen me in the buff and I'm not okay with that. By the way, there are many women height 5'6-5'10 riding the elevator daily so my paranoia is through the roof. Of course she showered me with apologies (pun intended) but I couldn't hear her excuse over the pounding of my precious heart which was beating at an unhealthy rate out of shock, fear, and anger.

Oh well. At least it's Friday.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Let's Talk Disney, Shall We?


So my sister spent her birthday with Mickey and the gang at Disneyland last month. And Monday over lunch, co-workers and I related one hairy co-worker's life to that of "Beast" from Beauty and the Beast. All of the Disney magic made me ponder...

I'm sure you've filled out some sort of Facebook quiz about which Disney Princess you would be. I know I have. I was Cinderella. [Or Sleeping Beauty (because seriously? Every morning I wish I had her hair).] While I enjoy some 'relly, admire her, and wish I looked like her, I never really identified with her. So here is my topic and please comment as you see fit.

Which Disney character are you?

I love Cinderella, but I'm more like her trusty mouse Gus.

Cute, chubby, sits back while others take charge with sewing and other household chores, eager to be the first to find the cheese, the house cat hates him, he laughs uncontrollably in inappropriate moments, loves a little adventure, and is, overall, a loveable creature. Our famed heroin saved dear Gus from the mouse trap and just fell in love with his cheerful nature and willingness to put a smile on her face. He eventually works with Jaq to get some scraps together for a fabulous pink dress for Cinderelly to wear. So adding thrifty and good in a pinch to his list of many traits just makes Gus me in animated form (it also makes me a dude in the land o' Disney, but I wasn't gonna go there). If you know me, then watch this video, take a gander at good ol' Gus and tell me our mannerisms are not completely alike.

Sorry, I tried to embed the video on here but it didn't work.

So there you have it, Special K as a Disney character.

However, they do have a whole bar/beer scene in Beauty and the Beast so maybe I should instead be one of the chicks with the beer mugs drinking, singing merrily and making friends. Maybe one of them should be an official Disney princess and then I would enjoy that Facebook quiz.